These days, if you are new to the blog, you might think that Like Mother, Like Daughter is all about who got married, who else got married, who had a baby, blah blah blah. (Won't bother hyper-linking -- just see this summer's posts!) Seems like only the day before yesterday that I was the one trying to get the baby to eat something, and now Rosie is there, with her cute painted high chair, trying to get Pippo to eat.
So I thought I’d take a tiny break from breaking news (although I know that a good portion of you are also hoping to see some more details of various fun wedding-type stuff – so torn am I!) to get back to the nitty-gritty job that I gave myself of handing out advice.
Remember, my only qualification is that I’ve done all this for 33 years now. I’ve sat at the kitchen table with lots of ladies who’ve done it for just as long, and we’ve hashed it all out on your behalf.
So I thought I’d take a tiny break from breaking news (although I know that a good portion of you are also hoping to see some more details of various fun wedding-type stuff – so torn am I!) to get back to the nitty-gritty job that I gave myself of handing out advice.
Remember, my only qualification is that I’ve done all this for 33 years now. I’ve sat at the kitchen table with lots of ladies who’ve done it for just as long, and we’ve hashed it all out on your behalf.
I figure I better write some of it down before I forget it and become one of those Grandmas who tells you with a straight face that her precious son, your dear husband, always ate all his spinach. (My dear departed MIL told me that the Chief was toilet trained at 18 months. Judging from his overall stubbornness, I doubt it. Love you, Chief!)
Anyway, I had promised you a Picky Eaters post, and here it is. No doubt we will be answering lots of questions, but let me remind you to be sure to read the other posts in the series about Eating Dinner Together.
Anyway, I had promised you a Picky Eaters post, and here it is. No doubt we will be answering lots of questions, but let me remind you to be sure to read the other posts in the series about Eating Dinner Together.
Somehow, we have gotten to a funny place. We obsess about every micronutrient, to the point that we can’t just have a drink of water without feeling we should be shoring up some languishing yet mysterious part of our bodies' immanent decrepitude. At the same time, the fact that the only booming businesses (apart from the second-hand clothing and furniture shops, but that’s a different post) in our area at least are fast-food restaurants, as well as the fact that the grocery store has expanded its frozen prepared food section, go to show you that people are just… feeding.
Just shoveling it in. Or, not, if they are kids.
This funny place is making it so that we just don’t know what do to about food. We are anxious. And one of the things we are anxious about is that our children seem so picky.
So let’s clear a few things up, if we can.
This funny place is making it so that we just don’t know what do to about food. We are anxious. And one of the things we are anxious about is that our children seem so picky.
So let’s clear a few things up, if we can.
There are two basic kinds of picky eaters.
I am not really going to talk about the first kind, other than to tell you to wake up and see if this is what you have going. These children, with their insistence on clinging to the familiar, and their sense that things will come apart if they are forced to eat something different, are desperately trying to control their untenable situation. So if you are divorcing your husband, drinking before lunch, self-medicating, or otherwise destabilizing your child’s life, then take the picky eating for what it is: The only way he has to communicate with you. It’s a message in a bottle. Open it up and understand that it’s not about getting him to take a bite of broccoli; it’s about getting your life in order so that he can trust you again.
A subset of this kind of behavior is the child who has his own, really serious, issues. I know that autistic children often become frantic about food, but that’s all I know. I’m no expert in this area. I will tell you that only you, the person who loves him, can ultimately know what is good for him. Again, treating the symptom – the picky eating – isn’t the answer.
It seems to me that the way to distinguish this kind of trouble – the trouble that you can’t really fix with a blog post – is to try to see your child objectively. Is your child unhealthy looking? Too pale? Lacking bright eyes? Too thin? Unable to run, jump, and shout? This objectivity is hard. It’s hard to admit that things aren’t right, and I don’t really know how to help, except to say that we all do say that we would do anything for a child…
The second kind of picky eating is more cheerful, so let’s talk about that.
I am not really going to talk about the first kind, other than to tell you to wake up and see if this is what you have going. These children, with their insistence on clinging to the familiar, and their sense that things will come apart if they are forced to eat something different, are desperately trying to control their untenable situation. So if you are divorcing your husband, drinking before lunch, self-medicating, or otherwise destabilizing your child’s life, then take the picky eating for what it is: The only way he has to communicate with you. It’s a message in a bottle. Open it up and understand that it’s not about getting him to take a bite of broccoli; it’s about getting your life in order so that he can trust you again.
A subset of this kind of behavior is the child who has his own, really serious, issues. I know that autistic children often become frantic about food, but that’s all I know. I’m no expert in this area. I will tell you that only you, the person who loves him, can ultimately know what is good for him. Again, treating the symptom – the picky eating – isn’t the answer.
It seems to me that the way to distinguish this kind of trouble – the trouble that you can’t really fix with a blog post – is to try to see your child objectively. Is your child unhealthy looking? Too pale? Lacking bright eyes? Too thin? Unable to run, jump, and shout? This objectivity is hard. It’s hard to admit that things aren’t right, and I don’t really know how to help, except to say that we all do say that we would do anything for a child…
The second kind of picky eating is more cheerful, so let’s talk about that.
It’s just a normal child in a normal (that is to say, odd, but, whatever) family who, for various reasons which we will discuss, won’t eat anything other than, well, fill in the blank! And, on top of everything, the doctor is getting on your case!
Here’s an email I received – does this sound familiar?
Dear Leila,
How would you approach a super picky eater? My 6 year old will not and has not touched a fruit or vegetable in a long time. Spaghetti sauce and pizza sauce and some occasional apple pieces or blueberry/strawberry kefir or some juice would be the closest he comes.
Trust me, I try. I remove dessert and sweets and crackers, nothing shakes him.
He does seem to have a texture aversion. Even reaching into a pumpkin to carve it makes him sick… He tried a carrot and literally threw up. I'm really stuck. I do try to make sure he eats well otherwise, milk/water to drink, vitamins; he loves fish and yogurt and meat. But anything, even baked beans, that comes close to being veggie or fruit makes him run the other way.
His well visit is coming up and I cringe. She always asks about his diet. I do worry about his health, though his weight is good and he appears quite healthy.
What to do?
God bless,
Josie
Here’s what to do.
First, get a grip on your inner Alpha. Act, don’t react. {And don't worry about the doctor. I've known lots of doctors, and I can say for sure that their children aren't always eating from all the food groups, to put it mildly. Because children don't, as a rule. Just tell her that you are working on it, and you are just glad he's healthy.}
Figure out when your child needs food, what kinds of foods he will eat, and do what needs to be done to provide it in a timely manner. We'll work from there.
If we are talking babies, then prepare the food and sit down to help him eat before the family’s meal, because most babies are too distracted to eat much at that point. If you think that, say, scrambled eggs and toast and some cut up fruit is a good breakfast that he might possibly in a million years eat, then serve that, encourage him to eat it, and figure that sitting up with the family at the table will take care of the rest if he rejects it. This is why nursing right through to toddlerhood is helpful, because then you can rest easy that all the spinach you are eating is doing him good.
Yes, you do have to coax some children to eat. Everyone in our family can tell the Goldilocks story with lots of pizzazz, because it’s how we got the youngest eater to eat his porridge. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you don’t have to do this if your child chooses not to eat.
Besides not getting enough sleep, children are suffering most from the parenting advice that they will eat what they need to. Not exactly true, necessarily. Some are troupers and get the job done. But some are too distracted and have to be confined (as in a high chair with a harness) and coerced (as in that old standby, Airplane, and the always handy Choo-choo Train), at least enough to clear your conscience that you tried.
If we are talking very young children, it’s fine to give them nursery food and leave it at that. (Consult your favorite Brit Lit to know what nursery food is. It is not eggplant. It is not salad.)
Try to work with your child. If you see that it won’t cause a core meltdown, start your “one bite” program now. This is the rule that states that you don’t have to eat it, but you do have to try it, and trying it means trying it this time (last time doesn’t count). I do make exceptions for foods that have a track record of causing gagging. Potatoes don’t count. Take a bite of your potatoes.
Later, this program will be a cornerstone of your mealtime regime, but know that there is a trap.
It’s called, Battling Your Two-Year-Old.
Like land wars in Asia, this type of thing is never won.
So don’t go there.
My friend Erin was telling me that her little Joseph (20 months or so) actually likes a lot of things, but exhibits secondary pickiness: The pickiness of rejecting perfectly well liked foods for the most liked foods. The remedy? Have your older sisters insist that you take a bite of the less favored item before being allowed to have the more favored one.
Don’t have older children? There is your mistake! Attend to this as soon as possible.
To dear Josie, whose letter I have posted above, I said the following, more or less:
The Tactile Hater must be respected, yet helped along. Since I am in the Tactile Hater Hall of Fame (but have largely reformed, so there is hope!), I do sympathize. Since I’m also the Alpha, I make rules, but apply them with mercy. If you really do feel like gagging, I won’t make you eat it. But next time I’ll make it differently, and then you have to see if you are going to gag, all over again. (That the next time will be long from now is the mercy part.)
If a child favors cooked veggies and fruits (and by favors, I mean in this case won’t actually gag), then why are you fixated on raw? Just give him cooked. If he likes raw, don’t insist on cooked. Serve what you were going to serve and stop letting a child control you!
To dear Josie, whose letter I have posted above, I said the following, more or less:
The Tactile Hater must be respected, yet helped along. Since I am in the Tactile Hater Hall of Fame (but have largely reformed, so there is hope!), I do sympathize. Since I’m also the Alpha, I make rules, but apply them with mercy. If you really do feel like gagging, I won’t make you eat it. But next time I’ll make it differently, and then you have to see if you are going to gag, all over again. (That the next time will be long from now is the mercy part.)
If a child favors cooked veggies and fruits (and by favors, I mean in this case won’t actually gag), then why are you fixated on raw? Just give him cooked. If he likes raw, don’t insist on cooked. Serve what you were going to serve and stop letting a child control you!
Here’s the thing. In most places, and at most times, the variety of foods that most people eat or ate is actually very small. And the children's likes and dislikes are largely ignored! And the variety that most children in most places at most times have or have had is even smaller. Yet the human race survives! Let this be your consolation.
Notice this: Although in winter months here in the north, children might have survived fine on something like Laura’s corn pone and salt pork, in the summer, they ate from the garden with lots of choices. In a way, our amazingly available panoply of foodstuffs deadens the palate. If you never don’t have a tomato, you probably are unmoved by a tomato.
I know I said that about variety, but paradoxically, having more than three things on a plate helps children acclimate to oddities. So, for instance, if you only served beans and rice, they might not want it, but if you serve a Mexican-style plate of an enchilada with rice, refried beans, and guacamole all arranged just so, somehow all these completely unacceptable foods (to a non-Mexican child, I guess) become doable. Even if they only eat two things, that’s a meal.
Try just having more things on the plate, rather than heaping portions of a few things. Make them well.
Another thing I told Josie is that, and here I am going to be politically incorrect in the highest degree, but you said you wanted to know, let’s say that you are tired of your picky eater hating zucchini. Why don’t you fry up some zucchini in beer batter? I have seen mighty towers of pickiness fall flat to the ground when confronted with the crisp goldenness of the deep-fried zucchini. The gates of pickiness will not prevail.
Notice this: Although in winter months here in the north, children might have survived fine on something like Laura’s corn pone and salt pork, in the summer, they ate from the garden with lots of choices. In a way, our amazingly available panoply of foodstuffs deadens the palate. If you never don’t have a tomato, you probably are unmoved by a tomato.
I know I said that about variety, but paradoxically, having more than three things on a plate helps children acclimate to oddities. So, for instance, if you only served beans and rice, they might not want it, but if you serve a Mexican-style plate of an enchilada with rice, refried beans, and guacamole all arranged just so, somehow all these completely unacceptable foods (to a non-Mexican child, I guess) become doable. Even if they only eat two things, that’s a meal.
Try just having more things on the plate, rather than heaping portions of a few things. Make them well.
Another thing I told Josie is that, and here I am going to be politically incorrect in the highest degree, but you said you wanted to know, let’s say that you are tired of your picky eater hating zucchini. Why don’t you fry up some zucchini in beer batter? I have seen mighty towers of pickiness fall flat to the ground when confronted with the crisp goldenness of the deep-fried zucchini. The gates of pickiness will not prevail.
Similarly, if you make sure that your veggies are well bathed in butter and salt, or a nice cheesy creamy sauce (homemade, of course), you will not get the same fight as before. Little by little, as you let the veggies emerge from their disguise, they will be appreciated for what they truly are.
Don't get me wrong. I am not a proponent of the school that thinks you should hide the veggies, but I do think that putting the spinach in ham and cheese and spinach pie is a valid way of getting children used to spinach. When they hear everyone oohing and aahing over their favorite savory pie, you can bet that they will have at least some (I know, because Bridget has always loved that pie, and she is Miss Picky Eater Numero Uno).
I personally never ate a salad until I was about 12 or so, and then only because it was iceberg lettuce (the hearts -- crunchy, not slimy like most lettuce!) smothered in blue cheese dressing! I too, like Josie's son, had the clear thought that I would probably scour my insides, die, or choke if I ate a salad. I was so veggie-averse. I only ate yams (roasted with butter and salt -- still my fave!). Maybe peas. Um, maybe not.
If relapses occur, why, I will keep the recipe for beer batter (found at the end of this post) on file here for you!
So, to be clear, this is the difference between our own peculiar American pickiness problem and the cultures of the world that don’t have it. For us, the concept of the meal as a ritual is fairly gone. It’s what I’m trying, in my own little way, to revive here. It is what those other times and places have going for them, that we don’t have.
Plan your menus (even the very simple ones). Set the table. Make your husband and yourself the Alpha pair, or, if you like to think of it in more human terms, the center and heart of your family.
So, to be clear, this is the difference between our own peculiar American pickiness problem and the cultures of the world that don’t have it. For us, the concept of the meal as a ritual is fairly gone. It’s what I’m trying, in my own little way, to revive here. It is what those other times and places have going for them, that we don’t have.
Plan your menus (even the very simple ones). Set the table. Make your husband and yourself the Alpha pair, or, if you like to think of it in more human terms, the center and heart of your family.
When you think this way, you don’t make a huge mistake that leads directly to pickiness. I saw it once, dramatized, in the grocery store. Man is walking down the cereal aisle with what can only be called a baby – a child possibly 22 months old. Definitely not two.
And Dad is crazily and irresponsibly asking this infant what kind of cereal he wants!
Truly, this is completely outside my sense of what is possible. My kids will attest that if they want any particular kind of cereal, they have to not only have reached the age of reason, but petition for weeks, possibly months, to get it. And not even then. I have a very limited notion of what constitutes cereal correctness, and I would certainly never solicit input from a baby! That way lies madness.
If you ought to train up a child the way he should go, you should definitely take note that initiating this kind of conversation in the cereal aisle will lead straight to juvenile delinquency and reform school. We taxpayers will not be grateful.
Have certain foods at certain times and on certain days. Don’t leave everything up for grabs. My children really would not willingly eat lentils and cracked wheat (mujadara) most of the time, but on Ash Wednesday or Good Friday, they eat it. That’s what we eat.
Have certain foods at certain times and on certain days. Don’t leave everything up for grabs. My children really would not willingly eat lentils and cracked wheat (mujadara) most of the time, but on Ash Wednesday or Good Friday, they eat it. That’s what we eat.
My favorite example of something an American child probably wouldn’t eat is the classic French bite of a thinly sliced radish on bread and butter. But it’s the ritual of it (and the goodness of the elements, of course) that makes it appealing! Being the one to add the little shake of salt makes you own it.
What made popcorn an amazing treat for Laura and a boring one for us? The ritual of making it, of course. The difficulty, actually. Open a bag of your already popped corn, and life’s the less for it.
Recovering the meal, and even the snack, as a ritual leads directly to another important factor in overcoming childhood pickiness – the arrival at the table with a good appetite. The satiated child is perforce the picky child, because, not actually being hungry, he can afford to turn his nose up at things.
If you are constantly plying him with goldfish, gummy bears, cookies, and cereal bars, then don’t be surprised that he doesn’t eat at a meal. I personally can’t bear to eat real food after mindless snacking. Appetite clean gone!
Americans tend to placate our children with food. Rather than dealing with their actual problems (such as being bored in a carseat, or tired of shopping), we just pacify them. I’m not against snacking. As someone with blood sugar spikes, I know the importance of a well timed snack to get you through. But it should be intentional and, usually, scheduled.
If you haven’t assimilated the news that you simply must know what is for dinner before your little ones break down in crabby whines, you will be perpetrating this other self-defeating strategy: The pre-dinner snack. If your children can grab a bowl of cereal at 5, don’t be surprised that they complain about the kind of dinner you are giving them at 6:30.
What made popcorn an amazing treat for Laura and a boring one for us? The ritual of making it, of course. The difficulty, actually. Open a bag of your already popped corn, and life’s the less for it.
Recovering the meal, and even the snack, as a ritual leads directly to another important factor in overcoming childhood pickiness – the arrival at the table with a good appetite. The satiated child is perforce the picky child, because, not actually being hungry, he can afford to turn his nose up at things.
If you are constantly plying him with goldfish, gummy bears, cookies, and cereal bars, then don’t be surprised that he doesn’t eat at a meal. I personally can’t bear to eat real food after mindless snacking. Appetite clean gone!
Americans tend to placate our children with food. Rather than dealing with their actual problems (such as being bored in a carseat, or tired of shopping), we just pacify them. I’m not against snacking. As someone with blood sugar spikes, I know the importance of a well timed snack to get you through. But it should be intentional and, usually, scheduled.
If you haven’t assimilated the news that you simply must know what is for dinner before your little ones break down in crabby whines, you will be perpetrating this other self-defeating strategy: The pre-dinner snack. If your children can grab a bowl of cereal at 5, don’t be surprised that they complain about the kind of dinner you are giving them at 6:30.
Instead, you should be ready to 1. Refuse to feed them when they are begging, even if it makes you the meanest mother in the world and 2. Plunk the meal down (with their assistance, of course) at 5:30.
Take note of the rhythm that develops. If you’d rather eat at 6, but every day at 4:30 there is a major shattering of mood and happiness, then serve a “tea” at 3:30 or 4 (not really tea – like, not caffeine -- though). My own dear husband suggested this to me! So practical. He understood what I didn’t – that they just couldn’t make it to dinner. Of course, he was picking up the pieces by the time he got home from work, so he was motivated.
One last thing: Don’t get into a power struggle. You are the adult. You made the rules, you can make exceptions gracefully without giving the impression that you are losing. As long as you keep the discussion courteous, which means demanding the same courtesy from your children that you offer them, you will not lose your dignity.
But, it’s not like I haven’t gotten into a struggle over that bite of cole slaw with a seven-year-old. I have. No harm done either way, honestly.
I think that’s it for now.
One last thing: Don’t get into a power struggle. You are the adult. You made the rules, you can make exceptions gracefully without giving the impression that you are losing. As long as you keep the discussion courteous, which means demanding the same courtesy from your children that you offer them, you will not lose your dignity.
But, it’s not like I haven’t gotten into a struggle over that bite of cole slaw with a seven-year-old. I have. No harm done either way, honestly.
I think that’s it for now.
Really excellent beer batter (might not want to call it that for some Picky Eaters), Like Mother, Like Daughter
This is the batter I have always used to fry up savory foods. It's what I used for our fried onion rings a few weeks ago, and some of you asked about it then. It's light and crisp and just to die for.
If you slice your zucchini into little thin rounds, this batter will be so awesome to fry them in, but if you don't have a lot of batter, you can grate the zucchini, toss it with some batter, and make fritters. There is no way that any kid, however picky, can refuse these delicious morsels!
1 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 tbsp. olive oil
1 egg
beer (about 10-12 oz -- 1 can) (as to the kind and flatness, use something light in the case of trying to win over picky eaters, or any kind if the flavor is not a problem; fizzy is fine, but flat is also fine, and a benefit if you were going to throw it away)
Whisk the dry ingredients together in your mixing bowl; make a well in the center. Break the egg into the well. Add the oil. Pour the beer onto the egg while whisking, pulling the dry ingredients in, making a light batter. Don't overmix.
For onion rings for 6 adults, slice three large yellow onions thinly, using the small centers for something else (they are just a bit too sweet and mushy for onion rings). Put them into the batter, separating the rings as you do. Toss around and pull them out, coated, using tongs. Slide them into nice hot fat (375°) in a deep fryer or deep pot -- I like to use that bacon fat that I've been saving in jars in the fridge, mixed with oil if necessary. They will brown up nicely, and you can turn them if you haven't crowded them. Pop them out, using your tongs and letting the extra fat drip off, onto paper towels spread on a pan. Salt them where they lie -- people will just help themselves from that point.
Onion rings are a great way to entertain guests in the kitchen!
For zucchini fritters, grate zucchini coarsely and add to your batter in a ratio of about 2 to 1 cups. Fry up small discs in at least half an inch of hot bacon fat or olive oil in a large skillet, turning once to brown both sides and fry all the way through.
