~ For my husband Phil Lawler's rejoinder to this post on the Catholic Culture site, read Why Do Catholics Have Big Families? ~
Dear Auntie Leila,
I've been enjoying your blog for a number of years now, and wanted to ask you if you've ever posted on announcing pregnancies. We are expecting number four, and the announcement is being thrust upon us due to the fact that, at nine weeks, I'm not sure I can conceal it anymore (at least not with any measure of comfort!). Also, we have a big family wedding coming up October 1st, so there is no hiding. Somehow the fourth child seems to be the dividing line between a 'normal' family size and an 'absurdly large' family size in the minds of many Americans. We are not Catholic, so we can't rely on religion to explain it for us either. Suggestions? Words of encouragement? We know this is what we want, and that our friends and family will get used to it eventually, but I'm not looking forward to breaking the news. Was this ever an issue for you?
Thanks,
Maria
If you are looking for words of encouragement, you've come to the right place! No one will encourage you more than Auntie Leila! Unless it's your other children -- yes, come to think of it, they will be your biggest cheerleaders. Their joy will astonish you. Nothing can prepare you for the sheer crazy love that the children have for this unseen baby...
But oh my, this sort of question gets me going.
People, do you not realize it's the saving of civilization we're working on here?
So, commence rant.
First, do conceal for a while. In no way do I take one word back from my encouragement and congratulations! But in today's world, where most women have only one or two children, if that, we've lost a little of the collective memory. Losing a baby by miscarriage, well, it happens. And when it happens, two things also happen: the other children suffer a lot of grief, for the very same reason that they are so happy to know that the baby is coming -- and I don't think that we should hide death from children, but I do think that, as their understanding is naturally limited in this case, we should protect them as much as we can. At least take into consideration how people used to handle this.
The other thing about losing a baby, experience shows, is that you can't help feeling that you have not taken care of your little one. I never understood until it happened to me that the mother's grief can never wholly be detached from her overwhelming desire to protect. And the sorrow of that feeling is hard enough to recover from (because, of course, it's not your fault -- although, how much grief must a woman endure when it is her action that caused the baby's death! Why do we not protect her from that, knowing what we do!) without having to get on Facebook and tell 500 people that no, we are actually not expecting. You feel exposed as a bad mom. Where your best friends will comfort you, your distant acquaintances will be at a loss and awkwardly silent, and those who thought you were misguided in the first place to ever get yourself in that situation, well, they will hurt you.
You should protect yourself from these feelings by only gradually widening your circle of trust as time goes on. There is a reason why in the past, women waited for a little longer to tell, and this is it. It's not that they were ashamed, it's that they were reticent and knew the value of intimacy -- safeguarding the vulnerability of this tender moment.
The likelihood is that all is well, and in due time you will want to tell your own dear ones. And then, yes, the frowning relatives must know.
It's all just so much easier to do if you have your ecstatic brood and proud hubby at your back. You put on your bold face and you announce, or better, he announces -- with champagne and no hint of concession (such as, "this is the end for us" or "one last child" or any other such foolishness, because you're not God and neither are they) -- that you are expecting!
What can they do but say "Congratulations!"
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| Nick, 16, holding Bridget, hours old. |
Oh, well do I know that they can do plenty more than that. A person very close to me, mother of six herself, woman of faith, had her cutting remarks for me, and although I'm tempted to lash out with bitterness, no doubt that part of what prompted her unkindness was a genuine, if misplaced, concern for my welfare. Having subscribed, however unconsciously, to the world's view of the independence of persons, her own growing sense of powerlessness in her old age, and detachment in the family, she felt helpless to do anything for me. So her concern manifested itself in querilousness....
Never mind all that.
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| About to do our part to save civilization. |
Get your priorities straight. Astounding to have to say, stunning as this news is, a man and a woman commit themselves to each other in marriage for mutual encouragement and the raising of a family! Nothing is more fitting, reasonable, and natural than the arrival of children! Anyone who offers anything other than congratulations is the one with the problem, not you!
What is our problem? The saints called it human respect. The putting of others' opinions, which can be formed by all sorts of conditions, including stuff we know nothing about (and if we did we'd probably pity them from the bottom of our heart), before what we know is right -- or what we have not yet discovered is more right than we know!
The world has made a trade-off between persons and things, coming down firmly in the camp of the latter, which includes intangibles like health, security, and wealth. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for those things and would like plenty more of them. But...get your priorities straight.
You're not in perfect health and you got pregnant? Your body was made to have a baby and you would be amazed at what women overcome.
You don't have a lot of money? Children don't care, they love you.
Proper ordering of goods may very well inspire you -- I hope it does -- to lessen the amount of running around you do: To stay home and schedule a rest period every day instead of racing the other children to many activities. Yes, even asking the other children to sacrifice good things (not that they probably have much invested in them, to tell the truth) is acceptable in God's eyes, if not the eyes of college admissions boosters. Yes, guess what, it's worth a lot of sacrifice to have another child. A child is the greatest gift God can give a family. Will we wish we had done things differently? Of course! We're all full of regrets. Let's just make sure we don't regret being ashamed of our child!
I know you're not ashamed, Maria -- you just need a pep talk, because your life is changing from one of mild engagement to extreme commitment. You're on a mission, only you didn't know you left!
You ask if I've had this experience. Oh yes. Where I live, the dividing line between "careless" and "whacko" falls between four and five children (vestiges of the old times when the people looking askance are themselves from large families, so they've at least heard of that kind of behavior, though they'd never do it themselves).
We happened to be perched in a place at that time where people were very outspoken due to their ethnicity (most towns in the Boston area, if they are not Yankee, are Irish, where the disapproval is just as strong but the utterance will be limited to a "God bless you!" -- meaning He clearly has work to do with a nut like you).
These neighbors told me, when I was expecting Deirdre, our number five, in no uncertain terms, that I was crazy and there was no way I would survive. Being almost completely alone and new in town, I started almost to believe them. I was panicky when she arrived. But you know, I was also by that time an experienced mom with a gaggle of lively and helpful children, all of whom were over the moon with this new baby. And a husband who thought that everything I did was just dandy.
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| What do they call this day at school? Crazy dress day? Everyone has to join in. Because we're not crazy enough on a normal day... |
I don't know what you picture yourself taking a stand for. I know that many of us can imagine that when Jesus said, "Blessed are you when men revile you..." He had in mind a great gesture of faith where we defend His resurrection or something. Little do we suspect that truth itself needs a defense, and little do we understand how very elemental, fundamental, basic of a truth we are asked to be strong for!
If the world is so lost that it doesn't realize that the natural function of human bodies, given at the very dawn of creation, sanctified by the commitment of two hearts, is a truth, then that is the truth we must be reviled for!
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| Overdue with #1 and a little astonished to be celebrating Thanksgiving with no baby! |
And if by "be reviled" I mean endure some unpleasant conversations, then, well, that's what we have to offer, and may it do some folks some good.
{And how sweet that this brave stand will get us --not martyrdom -- but a big happy Thanksgiving table with lots of loving faces and grandchildren and someone to call us every day. The other misguided ones will be alone in a nursing home unless our children take pity on them and visit them. Not to mention be their doctors and pay taxes so that they have a road to drive on. So, whatever.}
Remember when I told you about the four cardinal virtues? Fortitude is just this -- the strength to stand up to suffering. If our battle is in the land of impertinent, even rude, comments about the size of our family, then we better fight it there bravely. Prudence is knowing the right order of things -- that babies come before whatever these people think we should put first. Temperance is self-control -- not allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed by the desire to hide, not seeking comfort. Justice is giving others their due -- God first! His due is that His truths be acknowledged in the order He gives them.
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| Grandpa, almost 90 years old, on the zip line. |
Finally, I just have to react to something I get a lot -- and that is this: "I can't rely on being Catholic to explain it." Or, "We're not Catholic, but we're expecting more kids."
Of course we can all see that Catholics aren't having lots of kids, so why this thought?
Well, it's because the Church teaches, and has always taught this: That children are a very great gift from God. I, a Catholic, have children for the same reason you do -- because I love my husband and am united to him in a holy project (same as you), namely, building a family. The Catholic Church gives me all I need to be "ready always to satisfy every one that asketh you a reason of that hope which is in you."(1 Pet 3:15), by having really stood fast on this truth; and besides, by giving me the grace to carry it out, in whatever sorry way I can.
Here's the thing about this whole "well, you're a Catholic" thing. St. Paul warns us, "Do not be conformed to this world, but transformed in the newness of your mind, which is the good, and the acceptable, and the perfect will of God" (Rom. 12:2)
I think about how most people react to the news of another child arriving to parents are married and devoted to their family. Their conformity to the world has stifled truth in our time. In the end, I can't help being very grateful that my Church gives me a good excuse to hand to my crabby and disapproving relatives. And, dear Maria, I would think you would too!
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| The iconic picture of mayhem from the past -- as only Grandma could capture it. |
