Dear Auntie Leila,
I had part-time job. I liked it. When my baby got a bit older and my husband started traveling, that little job was the greatest source of anxiety and worry. It took away my peace and made me into the kind of mother I never wanted to be: frantic, weary (in all the wrong ways), and disorganized. So, I resigned. And now, I feel guilty! It's all self-imposed guilt, as my husband is completely supportive. But I feel guilty to be spending money I no longer contribute to, to putting all the financial burden on my husband's shoulders, to not being out in the community.
Thank you,
A Young Mom
We all need encouragement. We discover wonderful things about the meaning of life and then lose our insights, usually because it turns out to be hard to put them into practice. The need for an infant to have close contact with its mother; the irreplaceable value of an intact family; the beauty of home life; the possibility of living simply -- these are all things that have been written about eloquently and embraced by... few. It quickly seems too hard to nurse a baby, give up a job that gets you out of the house and the chaos, understand the person your spouse is developing into, or live within a budget.
It's just all very hard!
The going gets tough... and the weak fold. What makes us weak? Not having encouragement from friends. When you have a friend, you can get through a lot.
I hope that we can provide the encouragement of that friend, if you don't happen to have one at the moment...
Ointment and perfumes rejoice the heart: and the good counsels of a friend are sweet to the soul. {Proverbs 27: 9}
I happen to think that it's never going to be a bad decision to make our homes places of peace and love, order and wonder. There is a responsibility that comes with making a family -- to find a way, and it can be a fantastically unique way -- to put it first. I happen to think that a family can't be a family without the wife and mother making the home. (Even when the mother dies, the home receives a special grace of preservation. But when she runs away, either physically or mentally, there's nothing left.)
I've had many a conversation about why it's the woman who makes the home (and the man who protects it, but that's another post), and that's something I want to write about, but for now I just want to point out that if the woman is nursing the baby, and another baby comes along (which is how it usually works, when left to itself), and the babies start to need to learn things in their own way and at their own pace, and not be rushed, and then they get older and need more learning, and there probably are more babies, this woman is uniquely qualified to be the manager of the home, and its angel.
It's a huge hardship with all that going on, for her to get money in paycheck form, but a joy for her to figure out how to use the money that there is, be it ever so little.
And for the husband, it's a privilege to earn the money, even when it doesn't seem to be enough, even though he might have to work two jobs to do it; because in return he gets a loving home -- something he can't make on his own.
I hope you have noticed that I don't use the phrase "stay-at-home mom" and I don't reject the idea that a woman can contribute with a salary. There are lots of different people in the world. And it does happen that babies don't necessarily come at the tremendous pace expected. But the wife still has to make a home. It's her glory.
When the family is young, it seems like a doable thing for both to work at jobs. If there is a lot of support and many extra hands, I think it can be doable.
If not, I think it's not doable. Not by me, anyway!
Oh, maybe you can do it. Do what you want! I just want to say this: You won't notice the strain for a long time, sometimes. And by then it might be too late, because the early years are when you're honing your skills.
What are those skills? Among other things, and since you are talking about money -- skills in managing the home!
Money is pretty practical. It's so practical it hurts, sometimes! When an entire economy is based on two people earning two livings -- when houses, college, food, clothing, fuel, all are priced based on one person without any dependents or two people working their tails off -- where does devoting yourself to home fit it? How do you actually make it work, financially?
A family can live on one modest income. I've done it and I've seen many do it. I know you can do it too, and I want to give you some thoughts on how.
First, read my post on Frugal for Beginners.
Dear Young Mom, I think it might help you if you could see the whole scope of what you are doing!
Make up your mind that by not working at a job you are freeing your husband to earn the money and rest in the knowledge that it will be well spent. Now you think you have it easy; you feel that you are getting a free ride. It's hard to describe to you what the family is like ten, fifteen, and twenty years after its beginnings. It's hard to explain the investment that you both are making right now.... So it's a case of making up your mind, even if you can't see how it will work out.
Read. Read about money management, read about the education of children, read about taking care of the home.
Learn to garden. Growing some of your own food pays off. A lot of grocery trips are for fresh items, and if you have them from your garden (and freezer, and pantry), you cut down on other expenses, because staying out of stores is key to not spending money!
Learn to make things. Putting up a shelf, sewing a skirt, knitting a sweater -- now is the time to learn, while you have time!
Learn to get a bargain. Just make up your mind that you will not pay full price for anything unless you know for a fact you can't get it cheaper -- meat, furniture, cars, clothing....Say no to paying full price. There are a few exceptions, but don't worry about it. Train yourself to resent the markup.
Learn to thrift. When you stay home, you have time. Time is on the side of the bargain-hunter. You might not have brand new spanking whatever it is right away, but you will have it, eventually, because someone will sell theirs on Craigslist or at a yard sale. You just have to wait. There is almost nothing you can't find if you are patient.
Learn to trash-pick. Keep your eye on the side of the road. People put stuff out because they know someone will pick it up. They usually aren't really wanting their grill or bed or shelves to end up in the trash, they just don't have the motivation to sell it and are happy that you are picking it up. Ask if you aren't sure.
Learn to plan your menus. My experience was that I saved one third of my grocery bill simply by planning my menus, without the added step of shopping sales and stockpiling pantry items. That's when I was already staying home. The savings will be even greater if you are comparing menu planning to tired-working-mom meals, the most expensive kind! I have a whole system mapped out for you over there on the sidebar ---> My system is better than any other I've seen because you won't be making my menus, you'll be making your own.
Don't compare yourself to big spenders who indulge in consumer goods and have a high lifestyle. They have their priorities and you don't know what kind of debt they are in. Compare yourself, if compare you must, to committed pioneers of all ages who wanted freedom and faith for their families.
Consider yourself in training.
Sometimes you have to rise up above "what everyone thinks" and choose for yourself. Sometimes you know that what you are doing doesn't carry a dollar sign but has real value, even real monetary value. Sometimes you have to take the long view. Isn't that what women are all about? What we do is gestational in nature. We know that it takes nine months of hidden life to produce that squirming newborn. And we ought to know that in ten years our lives will be very different from the way they are now, different in a way that will demand so much from us that our husbands will only be grateful that we are home to deal with it all.
Dear Young Mom, the thrifty, managing wife does contribute to her husband's earnings! And the wise, ideal woman's contribution to the community can't be measured! The gift of bright, happy, sparkling children to the world is literally incalculable! The community itself is sustained by devoted marriages!
You just have to understand that it's a contribution that will take a lifetime to assess. Be patient and know that you have friends to back you up, even if you can't see them!
{Every picture in this post is of things I've thrifted, found for free in the trash or on the side of the road, been given, or, if it's new, got on clearance (in the case of pretty bowls and such that I can't resist). Yes, I found this sofa at a yard sale and had it reupholstered after many years of wearing out the original upholstery!}
Don't forget to join us tomorrow for {pretty, happy, funny, real}!
