I've thought a lot about where exactly to start with this mighty topic, and I've decided that before we get into organization, work flow, and actual cleaning, we have to have a little talk about a habit your children must learn.
Although we mothers begin to find meaning in what we do by understanding it as service, an important part of that service is teaching the little ones how to help themselves.
In other words, in not serving them. On purpose!
Some mothers don't teach little ones this important lesson because they don't actually respect themselves or their own God-given authority, and find that they can't ask someone, even a three-year-old, to do anything. Some don't do it because they truly don't realize it has to be done and besides, it requires effort. Some don't think it can be done or are waiting for someone else or the perfect time to do it. Some are so caught up in serving others that they feel guilty demanding action.
But sweep all that away, particularly that little voice inside of you that keeps whispering, "It's just so much easier to do it myself," as well as the other one that says, "Who cares, I'm too busy [insert description here, e.g., having babies, reading, surfing the web, talking on the phone, waiting for my mother, etc.] to exert the energy to do this."
It's like you have two devils, one on each shoulder, and there's no room for the angel who would like to say to you, "Put in the effort for a week and you will reap the benefits for a lifetime." (Never mind that other devil who tries to convince you that you like things messy and gross. Please.)
Of what do I speak?
Well, it's quite simple. Not easy, but simple. You know how you dread each meal, and when it's done you feel that it wasn't so much a meal as a sort of particularly sheer mountain you have to climb to recover from, only there's also scree that keeps causing you to slip down to the bottom again? You know how your kids spend the whole time running around and then they suddenly are just gone, off to do something fun? And you are left with not only dirty dishes but food everywhere -- on the chairs, the floor, the table, the counters...I'm not surprised that you find it hard to keep the kitchen clean.
Sometimes I think that some people really think that their children are no more capable of helping out or acting properly than a bunch of cute little barnyard animals! They regard feeding them with just as much pleasure and derive just as much satisfaction as they would if they were throwing feed in a trough, and the aftermath with the same resignation with which they would clean a stall. I've heard moms say things like "I throw them a bagel."
Auntie Leila doesn't like this way of speaking of your nearest and dearest.
I've heard that some moms always use paper plates at lunchtime! This astounds me.
I mean, if you are one of these ladies, I'm not judging you, but consider. Not only are you depriving your children of an important opportunity to learn how to take care of things, but it's all so self-confirming and dreary. And are you going to be caught off guard when they don't act properly when the table is set? (Also, how wasteful! I mean, once in a while, okay...but every day?)
But it does seem like a solution to the whole dirty kitchen thing. Right?
You know what, it's amazing what children can do.
Let's try it.
Let's just tackle one thing (well, really two).
And while you are tackling these two things, keep this in mind: Children really like, and respond well, when you make rules!
They aren't good at following logic or understanding reasoning (which is why it makes me crazy when parents go on and on, talk talk talk!), but a rule is something they can wrap their little minds around. Later the opportunity will arise for you to explain the rule, and that's fine, because Lord knows you have some good arguments backing you up, not least of which is that you don't want them ending up being handed their tray through a slot in lockup.
Paradoxically, the more you make them behave with good habits, the more time you have for engaging in delightful conversation with them! The more you rely on reasoning (and its evil twin sister, nagging), the fewer enjoyable moments you will have with them. But I wasn't going to get into child psychology...no. We're cleaning up the kitchen!
Let's make some rules! Rules lead to good habits.
Okay, here goes:
FIRST.
Make a rule that when you call them, they must come, do what they are told to help prepare (for instance, set out the napkins, get the cups, etc. -- you choose, but don't let yourself get into a situation where multiple people are grabbing food and plates and shoving food in their mouths and running around while you are still wondering about how to clean up from the last meal, and above all, never let anyone open the refrigerator without your permission, at least until they are also old enough to clean it as well), and wait to say grace together (which means waiting for you to sit down) before starting to eat.
You are going to have to tell them that this is coming up. I mean, don't blindside them! Let them know that things are changing around here -- it's a good conversation to have at dinner when Dad is there to drive home what you say.
If the kids are really little, just tell them before you get ready for the meal that when you call, you want them to come in right away.
To work this point, obviously you will have to be ready with the food and ready to sit down with them and sit still yourself. You will also have to be able to give your full attention to them, interacting with them cheerfully.
And yes, I mean this even if "them" is your three-year old.
And yes, I mean breakfast and lunch as well as dinner.
SECOND.
So of course each child has to ask to be excused before getting up. He should also thank you.
Second rule: On being given permission, overtly or tacitly, to leave, that child must clear his place!
Yes, really!
(By tacitly I mean I'm okay with you noticing that he's done and ready to leave and saying, "Okay, all done? Good. Time to put your dish in the dishwasher." I mean, I'm not for raising a martinet, after all. Later when there are more of them and you need to rein things in, you can explicitly require asking permission.)
It might take three trips, and if it's a toddler you might have to get up and help, or ask an older child to help one while you help the other, but the number one cause of motherhood burnout (other than no bedtimes but that is another post) is being left having to deal with dirty dishes alone! It's too much work for one person! Oh, maybe it's not now, but how will it be after you have your third set of twins or your 13-year old invites all her friends over for pizza -- because it's amazing how if your child clears her place all her friends will follow suit -- or you are sick one day?
Now, to work this point, you have to have a dishwasher that is empty or at least if it has things in it they are already dirty, along with some space for the rest. Which means, yes, someone has to empty the dishwasher first thing, before breakfast. And when my kids were growing up, it wasn't me, and it shouldn't be you either if you aren't a good riser! If you have older children, assign one to do it. If you have a couple of younger children, assign a rack per kid and one to the silverware, and arrange things so that the clean dishes are within reach for them. (Get sturdy dishes and glasses.
)It's in the Bible: "He that will not work, neither let him eat." It's okay to ask people to do a little before they get fed. Gosh, think of Almanzo
!If you don't have a dishwasher, then the sink area has to be clean, the clean dishes put away, and the sink should have a tub of hot soapy water in it. We'll talk more about the system in subsequent posts.
So, to recap, they are going to help get set up for the meal in a limited way. And then they are going to stay put and eat it, if only for eight (8) minutes.
Then they will ask to be excused, thanking you politely. Then they get up and put their very own dish in the dishwasher, also any forks and cups; they will throw or put away their napkin; they will push in their chair. They can take their time doing these things and they don't have to do it all together. I find it perfectly acceptable for two littles to go off while the bigger ones sit longer.
Your part is to get the meal ready for them, even if only to the extent that you know what you want served, and to be attentive during the habit-forming period, which really should be a full week. The latter will hopefully help you all to get into the habit of being attentive and present to each other during meals, which is a very good thing indeed.
{Now, a little note. You can remind your wonderful husband to join you in modeling all these things for his dear children, but let me caution you against speaking to him in the commanding tone you use for them. Don't treat him like one of them. Don't ruin the good habits you are teaching them by getting into the bad, even fatal, habit of acting like he's a naughty child. More women have ruined their marriages by this one fault than you would suspect!}
Moms dread eating with their children because they have allowed themselves to hate everything about it, or rather, haven't put in the necessary work to enjoy it.
But I ask you. If your own mother doesn't want to eat with you, who will?
Will there be messes? Of course!
If you didn't want messes you should have stayed single!
I'm talking about reasonably clean here. As in, messes you can handle, and at some point, however briefly, things are okay. As in, you could have company over without needing therapy.
As in, this motherhood thing is doable.
I always loved having my kids around even during mealtimes and even as distracted and disorganized as I am, and in large part it's because I naturally gravitate towards making rules.
But you knew that.
