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| Maybe my new lens will come today! These photos are from July... |
There are so many things you say to your kids every day (and here again I'm talking about kids older than two or three) --
"Please give the dog water."
"Why do I have to be the one to give him water? It's not my turn! Why me?"
"Please pick up your [Q$%%^$*&!] socks."
"Why? I just started this book! I'm so tired!"
"Can you hand me that cup, please?"
"Why? Why do I have to get it for you? Why don't you ever ask anyone else to do anything, ever?"
"Get your sister."
"Why? Why do I have to?"
"Let's eat."
"Why do I have to come in now? Everyone else is staying out! Why??"
On and on... and you just can't explain each and every thing! Life would be perfect if everyone just did what you said (actually, it would be perfect if they did the stuff on their own without being told, since I really don't think anyone needs to be told that a dirty pair of socks doesn't belong in the den, for the love of all that is good and holy, but never mind that).
However, the fact is that these are human beings with a will. The goal is not to raise automatons or robots or martinets or soldiers or well trained pets. The goal is to raise thinking, kind human persons.
So here's a secret:
Instead of endlessly explaining (and making that fatal mistake of allowing the argument to take over)...
Instead of saying "Because I said so," which, while sometimes something you toss off, might give you that twinge of regret at having 1) conceded tacitly that it is a power struggle after all and 2) committing a rudeness...
How about looking them in the eye and firmly saying,
"Please go do what I said with prompt obedience, cheerfully, and I'll tell you why when you get back."
It's frankly stunning how this works.
Usually they go off and do the thing and completely forget they ever had an objection!
They don't bother coming back (after all, you did explain, with the patience of a whole legion of angels, ten times at least, why a dog will get sick and die if it doesn't have water, a fact that is nevertheless perfectly obvious to the meanest intelligence and doesn't need to be stated). They are cheerful and often even come back and get a kiss! It turns their heart amazingly.
Sometimes the bitterness and sheer unfairness of being made to do something lingers. They come back and say, "Okay, I did it. Now tell me why!" It's rare, but it happens. And that's the moment to give a hug and a kiss and the explanation (one. more. time.) and then the much-needed morsel of food or that nap to sustain life in this dire form that presents itself to you.
In any case, you will have accomplished the goal, which is prompt obedience without endless questioning. A few times of saying, "Do it and then I'll give you the reason," and the habit of prompt obedience will be instilled -- you won't have to say it any more. And you will have reached your goal in a way that affirms that it's not hearts of stone you want in your little ones, but hearts of flesh.
