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| I dropped my camera, so you will have to be content with slightly older pictures. |
I read a lot of really terrible child-rearing advice out there, and some good advice too, but one thing I notice about most advice is that it's not very particular or specific when it's most well meant.
"Establish a home of peace and goodness" isn't exactly a road map when you are dealing with siblings who spend every waking moment together sniping, whining, moaning, and groaning.
Wrapping these children up in quilts, depicting them in a hazy photographic glow, feeding them wholesome organic food, offering them vast opportunities for creative expression -- none of these things compensates for lack of harmony together or provides the means to that end.
Here's what you need: Obedient children, and that starts with teaching them to trust you from the very first moment of their life, yes, probably in the womb -- so start being trustworthy now.
You also need: Aware and polite children who get that there's a world outside of themselves and they play a part in it --starting around age six for real, because of course there's never a time that this is not appropriate.
It's hard to draw a line *here* and say this is what you do now and this is what you do then.
But very small children are learning that there is a world outside of themselves in a radical way. They literally have no idea that such is the case, and when it strikes them, they get scared.
A two-year old needs to learn to do what you say. This is literally so that he will be safe. It's also so that he will feel safe, and not afraid. It's a mercy to a child to demand obedience from him, and the worst dereliction of duty to neglect to do so. It takes about three years. It's a work in progress.
WWMD? (What Would Ma Do?)
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| The pears were amazing this year. These are the unblemished "eating" ones. |
When Pa was away and a bear came to the Little House, Ma told Laura to get inside. And she went, even though she didn't see the bear at first. Would your little girl do what you said in that situation?
Today's child, in the false comfortable world of prosperity where parents think they have the luxury of listening to "experts" (who have no obedient children themselves), would cause this scenario:
"Laura, get inside!"
"Why?"
"Sweetie, get inside, please. Mommy needs you to get inside. Mommy doesn't want to scare you, but there's a big bear and she needs you to make a good choice now and do what she says."
"Will you buy me a treat?"
"Yes, sweetie, please, go inside."
"Where's Daddy?"
"Mommy knows you have questions, and that's very smart of you. I'm so proud of you. Please go inside now."
"He's never here! Why isn't he here? You TOLD me he'd be here!"
"Sweetie, when you argue with me, you are making a bad choice. What did we say about bad choices? Now, you'll have a time-out if you don't do what I say..."
Meanwhile, the bear eats them.
Why? Because Mommy is so patient that she allowed every interaction with her child to be an exchange between equals rather than a strong wall that a child can't breach. For her own sake.
Do you know that today, teachers must build "arguing time" into the school day? Today's children have the habit of questioning every directive, and of course, teachers can't just lay down the law, because then the school would be sued. So instead, they just allow more time for arguing!
{Pause to shake head.}
People often say that I must be very patient to have seven children.
Please excuse me while I roll on the floor laughing. My dear husband once informed me that he had discovered my fatal flaw. Care to guess what it is?
Hmph.
Patience is highly over-rated, and people don't understand it at all. They think that I never yelled when my children misbehaved. That I never felt like they were ganging up on me. That I never wanted to pitch them out the window.
When really, patience is learning to accept all of that and yet still demand of yourself that you ask your children to be the obedient, kind, and smart people you know they can be. Your children teach you that kind of patience!
You don't want them to be good children according to some model of a good child. Your goal is for each child to be the best he can be.
Don't be so patient with your children!
{You know what I mean, right? Obviously, be patient when they ask "Why?" for the ten billionth time, or when they need to pick up one more "pretty rock" (i.e. piece of gravel), or when they are crying from a fall.}
Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself for losing your temper and go on to be a strong demander of good behavior. Don't react to every little thing and don't look for affirmation from the little stinkers!
Here are some mental exercises for you to ascertain if your little ones (say, three to six, and the 2-year old would just toddle after the 4-year old because she's modeling such good behavior) are promptly obedient:
1. My child would pick up a designated beach bag and walk towards the car if I said it was time to go, whether or not I meant that it's dinner time or there's a thunderstorm on the horizon.*
2. My child puts toys away at a friend's house and gets ready to leave when I say so.**
3. My child would go inside the house if I told him to, whether or not he actually saw the bear.***
4. My child would get me the rifle or a Phillips head screwdriver without whining.
5. My child of three or four buckles himself in the carseat.
6. My child gets me a diaper for the baby.
7. My child will duck under the table if I tell him to (yes, we made our kids do this and all these things, and they're actually fun to practice).
8. My child will stop talking if I say so.
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| These are the imperfect "sauce" ones. |
If you answered no to any of these questions, you need to read up on my thoughts on discipline.
Meanwhile, I'm going to give you a quick overview on discipline for children who are nearing or have reached the age of reason.
A child from the age of about 4 to 6 to about 11 to 13 (children differ, and girls and boys differ from each other) is in a marvelous time of latency as regards sex, violence, and world affairs. Without getting too Freudian about it, it helps to know that, once having mastered their bodily functions (including just disintegrating, physically, when things go wrong), children enter a phase of mastering the world around them.
If you respect that and protect them from anything that will disturb this process, while at the same time helping them to grow in awareness of the needs of others, you will have the joy of experiencing truly happy, well adjusted kids.
I think about it with that almost frivolous label, manners. So often manners are something people think of as pasted on to basically narcissistic behavior: A way to manipulate others so that you get what you want and they don't get mad at you.
But manners actually are the tip of the charity iceberg, and charity is simply treating people with that very love you would like to receive.
Of course even a one-year old can learn to say "thank you," and that's a great, indispensable start, but it's a six-year old who needs to buckle down and see that people are doing things for him all day! It seems to me that if you've trained them in obedience when they are little, this stage offers you two challenges:
1. Getting them to be fun to be with because they are more thoughtful about others every day, wash their hands, and don't smear ketchup on their faces, and
2. Getting them to see that although you encourage them to experiment, just because they have a bright idea about something (Daddy's ax, Mommy's sewing machine, the baby's carriage and that hill, the package of nails and the toilet, etc.), they probably shouldn't act on it without having a talk about it, because you can't make rules about everything.
These things (#2) are hard on you and have a tendency to interrupt naps. But they aren't that bad, and if you provide enough of an outlet for their physical energy, should be mostly avoidable.
So really, it's about manners, isn't it?
Standing up to greet grownups entering the room. Looking people in the eye. Not chattering incessantly. Passing food. Speaking up when asked a question and answering with clarity:
"Would you like milk or juice?"
"Umm...I don't care..." Wrong.
Right: "Milk, please. Thank you very much, Mrs. Jones."
"He says I have to go downstairs." Wrong.
Right: "Mr. Jones says I have to go downstairs."
Wearing appropriate clothes for the occasion, quieting down so that you don't disturb the baby or others at church, eating without complaining, these are steps in figuring out that there's a world out there you need to sit up and notice.
I actually get a fair number of emails that are along the lines of "Dear Auntie Leila, my six-year old is a handful..."
And that's because this mom is stuck in a developmental phase. She's been working with toddlers and things were pretty much under control! Yikes! She doesn't realize that it's now time for that oblivious toddler to become a man, with all the personality quirks that entails! Do you know any grownups who don't have an agenda of their own? Who are doing what you want them to do? Of course not! And that's as it should be.
It will take a decade or more, but it will happen. So instead of seeing everything he does as naughty, start channeling him into using up some of that energy helping you with groceries or cleaning out the car. Oh, yes, if you have kids, your car should be clean, not dirty, because kids love to play in cars.
So hand them a bag, a bottle of Windex, the vacuum, roll down the windows, set the parking brake, and watch what happens -- it has to be better than the rotten state it's in now, and you're certainly not getting to it any time soon, if you're anything like me.
Instead of constantly trying to get your kids to stop doing what they are doing, start teaching them positive ways of interacting with the family and the world. Demand it. Make them work instead of entertaining them all the time.
Make them go out and come in again without slamming the door. Make them say it again in a civilized voice. Tell them that you can handle it if they cry and scream, but not if they whine.
By being patient with them, you are enabling all the stuff that makes you want to ditch the whole project.
Less patience, more short, declarative sentences. More yelling, if you really need to yell, with, of course, more hugging and laughing. But if you are guiding them this way, rather than tensely and artificially trying to keep some sort of impossible peace, you won't yell as much.
Okay, that's my rant for today! Let's get those kids hopping.
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*Nothing burns me up like a mom laden like a pack-horse with the kids' beach toys and a baby, trying to herd her unruly brood to safety when there's lightening near the water, and they won't obey. I am mad at her -- she did it to herself. My children were just as naughty, mischievous, and interested in staying as long as possible at the beach as anyone else's. But I put the work in to convince them that they better listen to me without arguing and whining in all situations. Not that I wouldn't give an answer to a reasonable question, or take into consideration something that was pointed out to me. But if I said move, they had to trust me and move. If they didn't in easy, normal, non-life-threatening circumstances, they would get a spanking. That way, in tough and dangerous situations they were on my wavelength. So they were buckled in the car, eating their snacks for the drive home while all the other rotten kids were out there getting struck by lightening. It's just how it works.
**You have to say it when you really want to go. Stop talking, and get up and go. I guarantee you if you do this five times in a row, they will always obey you cheerfully.
***It's especially hard to get a child to go away from you, but sometimes very necessary. If your child really trusts you and has learned to be obedient, he will do it. Getting you a diaper or other things in other rooms is good practice.
